But he manages to hold his tongue and not just say that in automatic response. Just once, he'll think about it for a few seconds first. It's not even that it's especially horrible to talk about - well, no, it is but he can do it anyway, he's sure - it's more that it's just not something he wants to burden her with, it's not something he can do anything about, and wasting time and energy on any of it feels futile. If there's anyone who can understand it and help him make sense of it, it's a guy who's far away and who he's really goddamned intimidated by anyway, because while he respects the hell out of the Ender, he's also fucking terrifying and probably not down for casual chats about the void.
Right. Well, maybe Chrissy deserves to know more if they're really going to be traveling together for the foreseeable future. That's probably a good reason. She'll just have to forgive that pause, and his careful reluctance as he puts things into words.]
I told you some of it already, right? About how all that shit I saw when those assholes murdered me keeps comin' back. You know, it's just hard to shake. You ever had a dream where you see yourself, an' everything zooms out forever until you realize you're nothing? Like, it's all too big, an' the farther out you go, even stars are just grains of sand. It's... like that.
[Sort of. It's like a lot more than that, but it's too much to describe adequately. He's only human, and all of that is very much not. Humans might as well be less than ants compared to all the rest of it.
He squints, frowns, then shakes his head.]
Except I think... I dunno, sorry, it's real fucked up. An' I don't wanna freak you out if you're tryin' to get back to sleep. Just makes it hard for me, that's all.
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But he manages to hold his tongue and not just say that in automatic response. Just once, he'll think about it for a few seconds first. It's not even that it's especially horrible to talk about - well, no, it is but he can do it anyway, he's sure - it's more that it's just not something he wants to burden her with, it's not something he can do anything about, and wasting time and energy on any of it feels futile. If there's anyone who can understand it and help him make sense of it, it's a guy who's far away and who he's really goddamned intimidated by anyway, because while he respects the hell out of the Ender, he's also fucking terrifying and probably not down for casual chats about the void.
Right. Well, maybe Chrissy deserves to know more if they're really going to be traveling together for the foreseeable future. That's probably a good reason. She'll just have to forgive that pause, and his careful reluctance as he puts things into words.]
I told you some of it already, right? About how all that shit I saw when those assholes murdered me keeps comin' back. You know, it's just hard to shake. You ever had a dream where you see yourself, an' everything zooms out forever until you realize you're nothing? Like, it's all too big, an' the farther out you go, even stars are just grains of sand. It's... like that.
[Sort of. It's like a lot more than that, but it's too much to describe adequately. He's only human, and all of that is very much not. Humans might as well be less than ants compared to all the rest of it.
He squints, frowns, then shakes his head.]
Except I think... I dunno, sorry, it's real fucked up. An' I don't wanna freak you out if you're tryin' to get back to sleep. Just makes it hard for me, that's all.