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Feb. 12th, 2023 at 9:15 PM
[An hour's drive outside of the flames of Virginia Beach finally returns them to solid pavement.]
Yes! Oh, fuck yes, finally.
[And Johnnie is sure glad to see it, as he cheers with a fist in the air. Now he can just sit back and let the bike carry them without having to dodge rocks and slide around in the occasional patch of mud. Those old roads are a fun challenge for a little while, no doubt, but they get old fast.
Relieved now, though, Johnnie leans back a little against Chrissy behind him, and looks around in the darkness at what he can make out of the countryside. Lights dot a lot more little plots of land now, the occasional car passes going north, and what was moments ago swamp and forest has definitely turned more toward farmland from what illumination he can get from the headlight of the bike. There's some song on the radio about a place called Margaritaville, which he sure doesn't recognize.]
You know this one?
[Might be more in her wheelhouse. He'll just keep watching for road signs or town names, anything to tell them if they're on a real highway or some shitty side road so he can work out how far they actually traveled in that last hour, and how much longer until they reach the coast.]
Yes! Oh, fuck yes, finally.
[And Johnnie is sure glad to see it, as he cheers with a fist in the air. Now he can just sit back and let the bike carry them without having to dodge rocks and slide around in the occasional patch of mud. Those old roads are a fun challenge for a little while, no doubt, but they get old fast.
Relieved now, though, Johnnie leans back a little against Chrissy behind him, and looks around in the darkness at what he can make out of the countryside. Lights dot a lot more little plots of land now, the occasional car passes going north, and what was moments ago swamp and forest has definitely turned more toward farmland from what illumination he can get from the headlight of the bike. There's some song on the radio about a place called Margaritaville, which he sure doesn't recognize.]
You know this one?
[Might be more in her wheelhouse. He'll just keep watching for road signs or town names, anything to tell them if they're on a real highway or some shitty side road so he can work out how far they actually traveled in that last hour, and how much longer until they reach the coast.]
Comments
Told ya it's tricky. You'll get it. Maybe give it a little more gas this time. You're only in first gear, you can't go too fast, so don't be afraid of that. If you give it too much you'll hear the engine rev up and whine at you.
[He snaps his knife shut, then grins and settles his chin on her shoulder. He remembers learning, it's not an intuitive thing, but he can just picture her flying down the highway in a pretty pink car some day once she has it all figured out.]
She doesn't get the whole first gear thing, but if he says she can't go too fast, she won't stress. So she presses her foot onto the gas and the car moves into motion. There isn't any engine whining, so she must be doing okay.
Her driving is choppy and jerky, the car lurching forward and then easing off, only to jump back forward again. Which shows her she has a long way to go before she's able to race anyone. But as she turns out onto the road, she thinks that it's at least a start.]
How old were you when you drove for the first time?
First tried? Fuck, I dunno, I was maybe eleven. Always thought cars were real damn cool, an' bikes too, an' for a little bit I thought maybe I'd be a mechanic. But kids think they'll be all kindsa things. Anyway, I saw a pretty car not too unlike this one an' figured hell, driving looked easy, I could prob'ly do it. Got about ten minutes down the road before I got scared an' tried to park it an' ran up onto the curb an' bumped a fence 'cause I hit the gas instead of the brake.
[Ah, dumb memories.]
Brake's the real big one on the right next to the gas, by the way. Don't mix 'em up. Now, if you wanna go faster, you gotta push the clutch in, move the stick here to where it says the 2 is, next to the one you're on, then let up on the clutch after you've shifted, an' keep driving. Second gear's a lot smoother than first.
It's not as easy as the motorcycle. But she's still having fun. And despite her attempts to concentrate so she doesn't crash, she manages to laugh along with his story. Gosh, being eleven and driving. Of course Johnnie would do that. His poor mom must have had her hands full.
As he explains the brake, her foot drifts over to lightly press it. Which goes a little harder than she means to, and she laughs as they roughly jerk and she switches back to the gas. He's just said something about the clutch and going faster, so she gets things into speed and ignores the whine of the engine so she can move the clutch into second gear. She lets up on it and keeps going, grinning wildly when she gets it right on her first try.]
I did it!
[Yeah, she's really proud of herself right now. Hopefully it's endearing and not comical. Actually, even if it is comical she won't mind. She's just too excited about the fact she managed to move into second gear without destroying the car.]
How many gears are there, anyway? If I'm going to be racing, we don't just stay in second gear the entire time, right?
Nah. No, once you get outta first, each gear is like... kinda around each ten mile per hour bracket? So, once you get up around 20, 25 maybe, you shift up to third. Shift into fourth around 40, fifth around 50, you get the idea. It's not exact but it's easy to remember that way. Sixth gear, you go as fast as you want after that, that's the last one.
[Anyway, he's definitely endeared. But he points out,]
See, that sound? Like the engine's tryin' real hard as you get faster. That's the real signal you gotta shift up.
That feels like a nice fast speed to go on a joyride. And joyride she does, swerving a little as they go.
She's cruising on the road, heading in the direction of the beach. She has no idea how to actually navigate their way there, but they'll get there one way or another. Johnnie will take over if she gets them too lost.]
You know, I really love your motorcycle. But it will be nice to have cars to drive around in when we're back in LA. There's no wind like this, and we don't have to yell to talk to each other.
And here I was thinkin' I might open a window. I love that feeling.
[But she likes it this way, so he'll let her have it this way, at least for now while they're going fast. They fly down the road, past shops and parked cars, and definitely turn a few heads as they move more into the downtown area at a rapid pace. There are traffic lights ahead, though, and a few cars at the intersection - probably people making their way home from the handful of bars.]
I don't care if you follow traffic laws or not, babe, but try not to get us hit, all right? I know I make it look easy.
[He's not worried, but even so.]
Beach road oughta be up here an' to the left.
Instead of saying anything at first, she just reaches over and rolls down the window.
They're quiet as the light turns green and she struggles to get going again. There's a series of fucks, both in English and Spanish, as she jerkily makes her way along.
It's probably unfortunate that she doesn't brake at all to make the left hand turn. But at least when she brakes as they approach the beach, it's a few slower presses of the pedal so they don't just slam to a stop. ]
Okay, so maybe I need a lot of practice. But I didn't get us hit.
[As if that makes her terrible driving okay.]
There you go, babe, you did fine. It really is just practice, don't worry about it. This is a way bigger machine than my bike. It responds real different. Takes some time to get used to.
[She'll have to get out first before he can, but first, he leans forward and reaches past her to turn off the headlights, rotates the ignition back off with his knife, then pats her right shoulder and points to the parking brake.]
Don't need this right now so much on flat ground, but if you ever park on a slope, you wanna pull up on this thing. It'll keep you locked in place. Mostly. We can do a whole tour of car buttons an' shit later.
Do you want to try and walk down near the water?
[It takes great effort to ask that. Everything in her is screaming that's a bad idea. But she can't just let herself stay traumatized. She has to be strong and face her fears. There probably won't be anything weird that happens here anyway.]
Except for some of the new things, now, that haunt his nightmares. But those things are far away, enough where none of it feels like it matters, and in time he'll forget how to fear them too. This, here? It's just them and a beach, and a dark, cloudy sky.]
Yeah. C'mon, let's go have a look.
[The beach here and now is manicured. Flat, straight, groomed to perfection for visitors. No resorts, though there are some wind-blown snack shacks, definitely shut down for the night. It's quiet, aside from the waves.
He kicks a rock into the water as they approach, like he's daring it to throw something at them.]
Seems all right. Just a beach.
Nothing's there, not even when he kicks a rock. She breathes easier as she nods.]
Just a beach.
[Her words are a whisper as she repeats them, and she tries not to panic. There's nothing here. It's just a beach. She's fine. But there's static in her ears and she feels panic rising up within her. Her breathing comes on faster, and she turns to wrap her arms around him and press her face against him. All she has to do is just breathe it out.
And thankfully, the moment passes relatively quickly. She has no idea what that just was, but she doesn't like it. Her mind feels all over the place being out here. But she's at least relatively sure nothing is going to hurt them out here.]
Maybe we can find you a new stick. You need a new spear.
[It's her suggestion as she pulls away from him, her fingers slipping free from his as she moves on ahead to see if she can find one for him. She's just proud of herself for being able to keep her hold on reality and find a task to focus on. It's so easy for her to just fade out of existence that she fears maybe sometime it might happen when she's in his arms.]
Hell, he doesn't know. He's no shrink, he's just a guy as fucked-up as she is. Confronting and actively trying to remember the things he experienced has, so far, mostly been unhelpful, though. Some of it's horrible, most of it's incomprehensible. Some of it, he's pretty sure he just can't even grasp well enough to recall any of it anyway.
He rubs her back slowly, then lets her go as she pulls out of whatever that moment of hers was, and sets off in search of a stick.]
Yeah, wouldn't mind a better one. Let's find somethin' nice an' straight an' easier to throw, if we can. Not that I wanna throw it, but if I have to, it might as well not go sideways.
[Smiling, he trots on ahead to search the shoreline. Sand is sticking everywhere to his damp shoes, socks, and pants, so that's already pretty unpleasant, but he ignores it, and bends down to pick up a long strip of something dark and metallic.]
Huh. Piece of an old wreck, I guess? Wonder if there's cool shipwrecks out here. Or, fuck, maybe it's like, the mob killed a dude by launching him in his car off the docks an' pieces drifted out this way.
I bet there's old pirate and war ships somewhere out here at the bottom of the ocean.
[Her laughter is soft as she runs a finger along the wreckage, before she tosses her little stick out into the water. Standing there at its edge, she stares out at the waves for a while. She stands there until she feels him approach, and it's then that she pulls him in so he's standing behind her and can wrap his arms around her.]
Do you think those monsters live under the water here? Or did they come here from somewhere else?
Gotta be from somewhere else, right? Nothing from here looks like that. Or moves like that.
[But how did they get here, and when, and why? Have they been living under the surface of the water for thousands of years? Did they slip in through some gap in reality like the one back in Hawkins?]
[Which sounds completely out of the blue to say, and she knows she has to talk about all of this at some point. Why not now, when things are quiet and they're out here facing their fears?
Her hand presses against his arm and holds him close to her.]
It could've gotten into me in that place back in Hawkins. The dark place. The things I did when we were separated...I was back in that place, in my head. I'd still be there right now, if you hadn't found me.
You're not the only one with darkness in you, babe. Don't you dare get to thinking this is your fault somehow. I don't just mean me, either. Lotta people, whether they know it or not, have somethin' cracked in their heads or hearts, an' I bet there's gaps in our world that go to other ones beyond just the ones in Hawkins. Or beyond vide noir, too, 'cause that shit sure opens the way to some fucked-up places.
[He's not just saying that to reassure her, either. In fact, it's not reassuring at all to know that there are a lot of things that could cause horrific problems. It's not just the two of them. This stuff happens across all times and all places, if what he's begun to realize is any sort of clue.
Can he open new pathways between here and the places out beyond here? Is that what the Ender wants him to do? Shit. That would be one way to consume the world in darkness, not just in the future but in all times. That sudden understanding, if it could even be called that, makes him sigh against the back of her neck.]
Babe, whatever happens, I've got you. Okay? I didn't let you go then, an' I won't ever. Even when that bullshit happens an' tries to tear you away from me, I don't give up without a fight, an' I'm not letting some fucking fish or anything else steal you away.
He doesn't dismiss her thoughts, just tells her that she's not alone and that he'll always be there. He's got her. And that's enough to make her feel a sense of warmth that allows a sad smile to take over her face. Sometimes she feels guilty for finding happiness when there's so much darkness that seems to be creeping up to engulf them. Then she realizes that he's the first thing she's ever really wanted for herself, and she has no problem fighting like hell in order to stay with him.]
Even if I've done really bad things?
[He says he won't let anyone or anything else steal her away, but would he if he knew just how easily she had given in to that darkness she's afraid of? He's said that whatever happens, he's got her. She believes that with her entire heart. So why is she so afraid to talk a little more about what she went through?]
Sweetheart. I've set towns on fire for fun. I'm in a gang that was put together by a serial revenge-murderer who's an arm of the same force of nature I'm tethered to. I plan to do a whole lot more a' that shit because I get a kick out of it and don't need any other reason. So yeah, I'm not that bothered if you've done some bad things, and I hope you'd extend me the same courtesy.
[Seriously. He doesn't mean to belittle what she said, she's probably freaked out still because the idea of doing anything criminal beyond a bit of shoplifting is overwhelming and new, he gets that. But if anything, her having done some bad things just means it's easier to fit with him and his life. He can't reject her for that.]
It's easy to let her smile grow a little more relieved, and laugh. Now that she's facing him, it's nice to press her palm to the back of his head so she can guide their foreheads to press together. Her fingers press against his scalp as she does, and she sighs because he's right. He's not going to be bothered by pretty much anything she does, as long as it's not harming him or his gang. And she'd never do that, no matter how much the darkness feels like it's consuming her.]
Okay. I believe you.
[She laughs again, her lips grazing against his.]
It's just that after I was alone there for long enough, without moving very far from that spot? I killed anyone that came to try and get me help or take me away from it. Women, men, even some kids younger than I am. Not like little ones or anything, but...I didn't even hesitate to use my bare hands to kill them.
[Not exactly the romantic sweet nothings you say when you're pressed forehead to forehead with the guy you love, but when the words start she can't stop them. It's really freeing to be able to openly start to talk about things. And at least now he'll know.]
It's like I lost hope after I was there alone long enough, and I became some kind of monster. I don't know if you saw all those bodies there with me when you pulled up but there were so many that I lost count. It's like I was one of those scary ghosts you see in movies, the ones who are angry and scared. The violent ones that are the bad guys.
[But he says it with a smile. He's being honest, all right? Fucked-up doesn't mean he's going to hate her for it. He didn't know the circumstances, and now that he does, he's choosing not to care. Just because he'd rather not ever be put in a situation to strangle random people with his bare hands on a whim doesn't mean he hates her for doing it. They're both monstrous in their own ways.
He rubs her back with an aim to reassure, and tips his chin up to kiss her forehead, then holds her close with his head beside hers.]
It's okay to be angry an' scared. It's okay to be violent, too. That's all just part of who we are, right? There's no good or bad about it, it's just the stuff we do, an' the stuff we feel. People who say otherwise are either fucking delusional or lying.
I love you.
[He knows it, but she whispers it anyway, because she's filled with overwhelming gratitude that he gets her. He sees her in a way that no one else is capable of, and he's helped shape her into someone that's become so much more than what a small town girl from Hawkins should be capable of.]
But I don't ever want to be that angry and violent again. I still want to hold onto a piece of myself, no matter how much I change.
Of course. Not sayin' you're gonna become someone other than who you are. But if you change, one way or another, it's okay to embrace that. You bein' angry is still you. Just a different part of you, maybe one you didn't see before. I love you too, an' I want you to feel like you can be whoever you want yourself to be, okay?
[Not what people say she should be, or what she feels pressured to be in order to conform. She knows better than that now, it's obvious, but that freedom is new to her still and she needs time to grow into it.
And if she doesn't want to be something, that's just as fair as wanting something that others say she shouldn't be. As long as it's her choice, in the end, that's the important part. That, and not fearing the parts of her she's been taught to suppress, but knowing they're part of her whole self. He used to think of that as the beauty of being alive, but now he can extend that to being whatever they are now, too. They're human, alive or dead, and they have a whole range of feelings and impulses. Denying that is like being half a person.
He smiles and turns her again so she has her back to him, because he does love that feeling of being able to hold her close and protect her from that big wide darkness in front of them, while they're both able to watch the waves through what little light creeps out from town, and the lighthouses on their rocky shores to the north and south.]
Maybe some day the weird shit out there's gonna be afraid of us. That's what I wanna see.
It'd be really nice if we could make that happen someday. I really think we could do it.
[Maybe right now she doesn't want to be scary and terrifying. But a few weeks or months from now, who knows what she'll want to be. She's changing and growing each and every day, and he's really helping her settle into the person she wants to be. It's an adventure in itself, even without all the other adventures they get into.]
Hurricane and Diablita Inferno.
[Of course, she has to laugh at that nickname. It's ridiculous and can't be taken seriously.]
Do you want to keep walking for a little while?
Yeah. We still gotta find me a stick, right? An' if that fails, we can swing by a tool shop for a broom handle.
[Not that he's serious about needing one, but you never know when a spear might come in handy, maybe. At least it gives them some range to fend things off that get too close, until he gets his hands on a gun somewhere.
Come to think of it, that store he got his knife at has old rifles. Not extremely practical, but it might be better than nothing as long as they actually work and fire normal modern bullets.]
So, tomorrow we hang out here, see how you're doin', then when we're ready to go, next stop's Georgia. 'Bout eight hours' drive from here to that city with the mine, from what I saw. Shame we can't really take that car with us, it's a great little ride.